labuznik

I originally intended to make a social media post about this, but as time passed, I realized I had much more to say, so I decided to write a blog post instead.

Not long ago, I began listening to the audiobook The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD.  It was recommended to me years ago by a friend.

The first half of the book chronicles the history and education of the author and his work in mental health, specifically trauma and PTSD.  It also offers insight into the inner workings of trauma and how it affects the mind, body, and brain.  I will offer a warning right off the bat.  This book can be particularly triggering.  While I do not have firsthand experience of a few specific traumatic events mentioned in the book, I am a very empathic person, and several stories I found deeply troubling, and they brought tears to my eyes.

I purchased a hard copy of the book, and it was a 5th printing edition, published in 2015.  What struck me from the beginning were the staggering statistics often cited. For example, “Research by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has shown that one in five Americans was sexually molested as a child; one in four was beaten by a parent to the point of a mark being left on their body; and one in three couples engages in physical violence. A quarter of us grew up with alcoholic relatives, and one out of eight witnessed their mother being beaten or hit.”

Another one that was a gut punch to hear, “. . . more accurate reporting has revealed that 12 million women in the United States have been victims of rape. More than half of all rapes occur in girls below the age of fifteen.”  I will spare you a quote from the book on incest.  

As I write this, I have just reached the second half of the book, which focuses on Paths to Recovery. 

As I mentioned, listening to this book brought tears to my eyes on several occasions.  I sincerely don’t want to discourage anyone with the slightest sliver of trauma in their past to forgo reading this book because of my honest account of how I felt when reading it.  The book has given me great insight into myself and what I experienced as a child.  It helped me to make sense of some of my behavior patterns, complex feelings, and my sometimes multilayered response to stress or new traumas (such as the car crash in our driveway that caught on fire in the middle of the night Friday, May 13, 2022).  

Even though the book’s title is relatively straightforward, I was unprepared for how much I’d resonate with its content.  I’ve not been shy about saying that I came from a toxic home.  I experienced some pretty traumatic things as a child.  Come to find out, when a child experiences trauma early on, it can significantly impact their ability to learn as well as their brain development.  Childhood trauma has lasting effects that continue throughout one’s entire life.  However, with therapy, one can begin to heal.

I found the following particularly meaningful.  I was held back in the second grade. As one might imagine, this was highly challenging for me as a child.  Seeing your classmates advance to the third grade (in the same elementary school) while you repeat the second grade.  Subtle and not-so-subtle messages at home regarding my intelligence didn’t help.  It was never explained to me why I was held back.  So, based on the messages I received about my intellect, I formulated my own hypothesis.

When I was in college, I finally asked my mother about it.  She and my second-grade teacher, Mrs. Eaton, agreed that I was “socially behind” the other children.  It’s ironic that my mother was a college professor, and for all her academic brilliance, she failed to realize that my unsafe home environment was perhaps the reason I was behind the other children. 

Neither my home life nor my school life was joyful.  Thank God for the ballet studio!  I started ballet at the age of seven, and it couldn’t have come at a better time in my young life.  I wasn’t an exceptionally gifted ballet dancer. However, I was tall and slender, and that, along with my determination, worked to my advantage.  Come to find out, gaining control over one’s body through movement is a form of therapy for victims of trauma.  And ballet fit that criterion perfectly.

In the second half of the book, Paths to Recovery, I also learned that writing about one’s trauma (to oneself) is also helpful.  I’ve given myself an assignment to write about all the specific traumatic experiences I had as a child (that I can remember).  So far, I have identified 12 specific events that I will be writing about.

I deeply appreciated the chapter on Yoga.  For many years, I taught a class called BodyFlow, which combines Tai Chi, yoga, and Pilates.  Again, we see the theme of movement helping to connect the mind with the body, giving the individual greater control over themselves.

While reading the book, many things came up for me, as one might expect.  The book was a great catalyst.  I realized two important points for my personal healing – 

1.  By taking ownership of my trauma, I am reclaiming the power and control that were stripped from me as a child.

2.  At last, in mid-life, I am allowing myself to explore and heal from my childhood trauma because I finally feel safe enough.  (Largely thanks to my loving and deeply supportive husband, who has been a safe harbor.)

I found great comfort in Chapter 17 – Putting The Pieces Together: Self-Leadership.  The self is multifaceted.  For those with trauma, this can exist on a bigger scale.  In extreme cases, it’s possible to create multiple personalities to survive and cope with heinous trauma.  However, no matter where you find yourself on the continuum, it’s essential to recognize that these multifaceted aspects are part of you.  Ultimately, acceptance of all parts of yourself can bring healing.

It took me a long time to finish the book, due to its heavy content.  I found taking long breaks necessary.  I took notes on things that resonated with me, and I also kept a journal.  I found that listening to a fiction audiobook in tandem also helped to balance things out.  I was mindful of my mental health and continued with practices that I know are beneficial to me, such as working out, walking in nature, spending time with loved ones, listening to meditative music, and time with our beloved fur babies.

A few traumatic topics mentioned in the book:

War

Rape

Incest

Abuse

Neglect

Alcoholism

9/11

Car crashes

Natural Disasters

At long last, I have reached the Epilogue.  Nearly everyone I have mentioned the book to was familiar with it.  As I like to say, “We all have our shit.”  No one is exempt.  Our issues are tethered to us until we are ready to do the necessary work to heal.  Running, masking, ignoring, acting out, fighting, yelling, harmful behaviors, addictive substances, or behaviors won’t make it go away.  Therapy, diving deep into the past, asking yourself the hard questions, being curious, giving yourself grace, self-acceptance, and forgiveness are good places to start.

Self-improvement and healing are lifelong journeys.  As one begins to heal, deeper layers reveal themselves.  We are miraculous beings, capable of surviving great atrocities as well as healing from them.  

I will hold you in my heart as you navigate your path towards healing.